The Case of the Bronze Hasselhoff

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of my personal weblog. While we might not be aquainted and I may never know you came, I do sense a certain amount of familiarity. You are a modern day Gladys Kravitz peeking through your curtains across the internet, curious what fellow cyber denizens are getting up to but safely detached from the fray. Granted, you may on occasion take umbrage or delight in what you find and rouse poor Abner from his La-Z-Boy via an email complete with links and editorial opinions, but for the most part you’re just peeking; Shame on you! Admittedly, it is not fair that I cast a jaundiced eye at my anonymous guests without also reconciling the obvious hubris involved in openly publishing one’s thoughts in a public domain absent prior review or censor. The irony being that manifest in that narcissism is also an inclination that this particular blog is expressley for your author’s personal gratification, so in short don’t count on it.

Now that the appropriate introductions have been made and we both know one another a little better, I feel that we can get started…

Recently the Federal Bureau of Investigations contacted me requesting that I assist with one of their more puzzling cases. As you have found a moment to stumble across my blog, I will assume that some of the disposable time that you are shamelessly squandering has been spent staying abreast of recent top news stories. As a result, you are no doubt aware that one Bernard Madoff was recently deprived of a fine piece of lawn sculpture from his Palm Beach vacation home. The statue was of lifeguards holding vigil on a stand, and it made him feel safe when swimming alone. I’ll say nothing more about the importance of bringing the wrongdoers responsible for this deed to justice with all haste.

After painstaking research, correlation of facts, extensive analysis of the crime scene forensics, and needlessly water boarding the Madoff family housekeeper I came up with nothing. It was not until the perpetrators, who had no doubt learned of my association with this case, returned the purloined sculpture to a nearby location that I got my first big break. The statue was left in some bushes near a bike trail along with a note reading “Bernie the Swindler, Lesson: Return Stolen Property to rightful owners. Signed by – The Educators.”

I quickly had the note sent to forensics for further analysis and the statue dusted for finger prints. While waiting for results I kept myself busy updating an NFL playoff fantasy bracket. I like many had originally made my selections prior to learning that the Dallas Cowboys had opted out of the playoffs this season as they had grown bored with the whole football thing. Furthermore, the team was worried that Felix Jones and some of the other players on injured reserve might sneak in for early dibs on the best lockers in the new stadium. It was during this process that it all became clear:

You see, it was all in the timing of events. Just as I have been able to discern much about you the reader having found you here in my blog, and even more through the fact that you are persevering through several paragraphs of this absurd nonsense, I quickly determined that our perpetrator was no doubt a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. One has only to look at the facts for this to become apparent.

1. The statue disappeared on the night of December 18th, 4 days after the Cowboys beat the Super Bowl champion New York Giants to keep their playoff hopes alive.
2. It had been returned on the 30th, shortly after the same lost miserably to Philadelphia and destroyed those hopes.
3. A seat license at the new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys will run you $50,000.

Apparently our perpetrator had lost a sizable sum of money to the “Ponzi” scheme that Bernard Madoff was running. No doubt this was the money they were planning to use to finance the purchase of a seat license to the new stadium. As the Cowboys appeared to be falling apart at the time, this individual would have been content to watch next years games from home or even a sports bar. That all changed with the win over the Giants. Now it appeared that Wade Phillips’ zero accountability coaching style was starting to pay dividends. Going against the conventional wisdom of assembling a team of selfless character to achieve success, he had taken a team of selfish characters assembled by Jerry Jones and beaten the Super Bowl champions. As a result, the architect of this larceny was driven mad with desperation to attain a seat license through any means possible.

While this clearly supplied a motive, it didn’t place the suspect at the scene of the crime. How did our suspect find themselves in the Palm Beach, FL area in the middle part of December? To answer this question, I had only to look as far as property foreclosures and Florida has a lot of them. In addition to bad investments in the stock market, the perpetrator had undoubtedly also participated in Real Estate speculation.

Coupling the above information with the fact that the value of the statue was $10,000 which also happens to be exactly the amount necessary for a down payment on a seat license, it becomes obvious that the suspect intended to ransom the statue for just such a payment. Having spent some time as a bag man for the Swiss mafia during college, I had learned that one never uses clean money to pay extortion. If Jones’ asking price for the seat license had not been such obvious extortion, I might never have made the connection.

The rest is fairly straight forward. The criminal traveled to Florida after the Giants game to remove personal posessions from his vacation home. After a few days of loading a U-Haul trailer, he wrapped up late on the night of the 18th. On his way to the storage facility where his possesions would reside until auction, he passed by the Madoff residence and noticed the statue. That is when the nefarious plan hit him. In the spur of the moment, he stopped and used an appliance dolly to load the statue into the back of the truck, and drove off.

Two days later, as our perpetrator was constructing the ransom note, the Cowboys lost to the Baltimore Ravens. This engendered enough doubt to cause this person to hesitate pending the outcome of the Eagles game. With the loss to the Eagles and a 10 day cooling off period the ransom was abandoned. All that was left was to dispose of the evidence.

The ransom note was hastily converted to the above admonition and the statue was abandoned near the local bike trail. In the end, it was the note that served as our key connection. Forensics returned that the paint used in writing the note was none other than PMS 281, or Dallas Cowboys blue for the layman.

So, you are probably expecting that I would bring the name of this wrongdoer forth so that we may shine the light of justice upon this evil deed. Alas, for some reason we are facing difficulties finding a Judge in Dallas County who will issue the appropriate warrants, despite the abundant evidence in this case. For the time being, rest assured that I will remain vigilant and see this crime brought to justice.

Leaving you on a positive note, the Housekeeper has made a full recovery from her interrogation and regained feeling in the left side of her body. I had been hoping for as much, in that she revealed some personal characteristics during questioning that I believe will make her a good match for a personal friend of mine. Let’s all wish the two of them the best of luck going forward.

If you, the unsolicited reader of this blog are still with me, I applaud your determination. Try to go forth and accomplish something constructive today, like finding a job. Also feel free to check back on occasion, if for nothing else then just as a reminder of what can happen when indiscriminately surfing weblogs. Cheers.