Neverlost?

Here I am in Little Rock, Arkansas home of the Clinton Presidential Center where I will find myself tomorrow delivering a presentation to 20 or so prospective and no doubt enthusiastic customers. In the meantime I have occupied myself by watching TV and something resembling work from the friendly confines of my hotel room. I did manage to find time in this busy schedule to slip out for a bite to eat.

The hotel itself is about 100 years old and on the historic register along with the comforters adorning the matching queen beds in room 409. I am curiously anticipating the arrival of a chambermaid to dutifully turn one back for me. Oddly enough a microwave oven and mini fridge are consipicuously standing vigil next to an antique Victorian armoire that holds the TV. The good news is this venerable old gal had plenty of parking and no wait at the front desk when I checked in. One can only guess what I might have found had the attendant at the front desk not charitably upgraded my reservation when I asked for my usual suite with a playful wink and a smile.

My counterpart arrived in town about 8pm. He is staying at the shiny new Doubletree hotel 5 blocks away and probably at a higher paygrade considering. We agreed to meet at a restaurant in the nearby River Market District shortly after his arrival. Given the proximity of the restaurant, I stopped for directions from my confrere at the front desk and jumped in my rental car. Five minutes later I arrived.

After dinner I returned to my car. Given the fact that I was in an unknown downtown area with numerous 1-way streets, I decided to use the “Neverlost” GPS navigation system that came with the rental. My hotel location was already programmed into the system, so it was the matter of a few simple button pushes to set my destination.

In no time the sultry tones of my electronic co-pilot were directing me to take a right hand turn out of the parking lot. At the first intersection she instructed me to take another right and then again at the next intersection. Two rights later I was passing the parking lot I had just departed, preparing to take another right. At this point I mentally reviewed dinner, and remained convinced that I had only two beers over a two hour meal. Normally well within the accepted limits.

Given the above calculus I determined that the navigator was allowing me to build up the appropriate escape velocity for the River Market District and any lack of faith on my part could only lead to calamity. I was rewarded 2 rights later as I merged onto a thouroughfare running along the river. Unfortunately, during this maneuver I had become so focused on maintaining escape velocity and listening to my guide that I failed to notice the pickup truck that I cut off upon entering the thouroughfare. I am fairly certain that the passenger of the truck noticed me, as she hung a middle digit out of the window in a very meaningful way as they passed by.

Mercifully the navigator directed me to exit via the next offramp, allowing me to part ways from the as yet vigorously gesturing digit. Halfway up the ramp I became a bit concerned. From all appearances this particular ramp seemed designed to merge into traffic heading to the right and leading across a bridge over the river. Given the fact that I had never crossed the river coming, it seemed odd to cross in returning. Confirming this suspicion, at the top of the ramp those sultry tones suggested, no dared me to turn left. Not seeing any traffic in either direction, I made a left.

In no less than 100 yards I passed another onramp that appeared to be much more suitable for entering this particular avenue as it was actually positioned on the appropriate side of the road. Apparently my “Neverlost” system was treating me to a bit of a shortcut. A shortcut that saved me just enough time to once again surprise my friends in the pickup truck and cut off their orderly and lawful access to yet another road.

Trust me when I say to you that this universe holds a Higher Power. Granted, a Higher Power with a bit of a sadistic sense of humor, but one nonetheless. As I was desperately searching for a way to gracefully distance myself from my twice offended fellow motorists, this Power saw fit to place a red light directly in my path. I meekly pulled to a stop.

Now I have to figure that the male driver of the pickup took a quick look at me and correctly ascertained the submissive downright apologetic expression on my face, because he sent his girlfriend with the vigorous finger to kick my ass. Just as she was getting out of the passenger door screaming “What the expletive are you doing you dumb-explitive?” the light turned green, and I bravely fled. Of course during my harrowing escape the navigator complained upon several occasions, and let me know that she was recalculating directions as if I were putting her to some inconvenience. Then again, she was most likely not going to be the victim of vigorous finger’s retribution, so I really wasn’t interested in her opinion.

Back at the hotel I was glad to be safely locked in room 409, and considering a strong letter to the “Neverlost” folks. It didn’t take long to notice that the turn back service never came. I suppose that sort of affectation is a thing of the past. We’ve no doubt traded it in for more practical conveniences like microwave ovens, mini-fridges and GPS navigation systems.